Lean In -- A Reflection Post

Life has been overwhelming lately. Not overwhelming as in I don't know where my next meal is coming from or have adequate shelter over my head.  Likewise, I have no serious threats to my security or that of my children. But I am feeling overwhelmed because I cannot complete the tasks I think are important. I am overwhelmed because I cannot function on the level I have in the past.

Am I surprised by this? Not in the least. It happens as I recover after each new baby. I struggle. I grow. I recover. But the patience is always hard. It is always hard to look at my still-saggy body and wish I felt more like working out - or had a baby that was not quite so needy all the time. It is hard to take my super-sensitive two-year-old AND my easily-irritable baby out in public. Sometimes I the grace comes to stay calm amidst their cries and struggles, but the looks the comments of others cut deep.  It is exhausting on so many levels.

Me and the kiddos out and about :)

As I was turning to God in the midst of this, I found myself telling Him, "I'm just off-balance."  I cannot seem figure out what is important and what is not. I get distracted. I try to fix one area of my life and another falls apart.  I get the laundry done, but then have nothing to offer the children for dinner so we eat frozen pizza for the third time this week. We make it out of the house for a fun activity and I get some work done for my part-time job, but suddenly the house is an absolute mess and the kitchen floor so sticky I think one of my shoes is still adhered there.

But then I realized, this is the stuff of the life God has called me to.I am not called (at least not right now) to spend days doing serious fasting and kneeling on cold hard floors (although I do that now, but because I think its fun - I am so strange, I admit it). I am not called to hard physical labor or to combat.  God has called me to be faithful to my vocation. My primary vocation is wife and mother. So God is calling me to connect with my husband - spend time with him and take concern over his day. Then God is calling me to care for my children. I have to discern if I should be putting in extra effort to find super-healthy meals or if my time is better spent in other avenues, while I offer them more processed and simple choices. This is the stuff I struggle with, but I am just finally realizing the struggle is real. I am not making decisions that affect tons of lives or doing heavy lifting, but I'm doing what needs to be done for our family and that is something.

I really feel like God is in the moment. Each moment I am trying to discern what I should be doing. Often the crying baby trumps all, or my grumbling tummy makes it clear. Other times I get distracted and suddenly an hour has passed and I have nothing to show for it.

But the secret I am learning is that the more off-balance I get, the more I need to lean in. My family practices the art of Aikido. In Aikido there is a lot of leaning. Generally the person being attacked wants to use the attacker's momentum to get the attacker off-balanced and "throw" (literally) them away. In the case of God, though, I see it as allowing Him to throw my energy where He sees fit. I attack Him. I give him all the power I can muster, flailing into Him blindly these days, and he redirects my efforts sending them off in all directions to my family, my friends, my community. And being overwhelmed almost seems to help fuel the cannon as I have so many reasons to turn to Him. All I need to do is lean in and let Him guide me through His will for me at that moment - whether it be cleaning the floor, bathing the children, or finishing up a work assignment. I don't need to be troubled by all those things I am not doing that I think need to be done, or all those things I would like to be doing. I just need to be in the moment with God, and it all starts by leaning in.

Input

I took a basketball to the face - HARD - after religion class last Wednesday.  Funny that I have played basketball, for about fifteen years (VERY competitively for the last eight or so) and never before managed to damage my head, but this particular evening, playing around with about twenty little kids and about a million basketballs (go figure) I managed to get pegged so hard, right in the face (fortunately my glasses did not break! - or my nose!!) and get a concussion.  Basically, I was caught off-guard.  I was paying attention to my son, Samuel, and the ball he had just thrown me.  I was preparing to shoot it and then BAM, another kid accidentally launched a ball with quite a bit of gusto (she was probably a fifth or sixth grader) and I turned to see it at the last second, as it connected with my face.  She was so aplogetic!  I assured her it was no big deal, but that evening and for several days after I felt the effects of a mild concussion.  Mostly for me it was just nausea. . . and some irritability (although I might just be blaming my usual grumpiness on this).

The funny thing is that when you have a concussion you need to let your BRAIN rest, which means no reading, no teaching, no watching tv, etc.  Sounds simple, right, but what would YOU do if you could not read or do really anything computer or screen-related for a week?  Mostly I have slept - who knew I could be so tired?!?!  I prayed some - thank God for the Rosary and its beautiful repetition.  And thank God for my mother who came (and continues to come) to teach my children for me!!

But I also reflected. . . and came to the conclusion that I'm a little bit addicted.  Seriously, I'm addicted to input. . . from books, from blogs on the internet, from what my friends have to say on social media.  I have books all over my house, from my bathroom to my kitchen.  I read books on the back-lit kindle as I rock/nurse the baby to sleep.  I check  my facebook probably three or four times a day - sometimes for an hour or more at night (and it drives my husband bananas - haha).  And then there is a computer game I play with my husband. . . which was of course off-limits, along with our nightly (well, three or four times a week anyhow) episode of Chuck.

Now, is this input bad, as in inherently evil?  I can clearly say NO!  I am not reading books on anything that does not in some way reflect the human search for God in truth, beauty, and goodness.  Now some things are more noble than others.  Obviously reading Scripture would be at the top and the silly science-fiction novel would be considerably lower.  Social media could have noble undertones of concern for friends and prayer requests, but sometimes it is sheer boredom or escape that leads me there and keeps me captive.

So other than pray and think and wash the dishes (funny how that task did not make my head hurt) what did I/do I most notice filling up this "void"?  Worry.  When I'm not bombarded with constant input and ideas I worry. . . about everything.  Of course, I should have seen that coming as my defense mechanism for worry is to distract myself.  Hard to do with so little fuel for distraction!

Although this whole experience has been a giant pain - literally, hah - I am grateful for this revelation.  Now I see what I need to work on.  And I think I will start with praying for some faith to fill up that worry and for some gentle nudges to limit my input some and allow God to work on me as well.

(And I should add, that it has not been a week yet, but I have been slowly reintroducing "brain activities" as I am able to tolerate - even in the beginning, when it made me nauseous, I allowed myself a few minutes of facebook each day.  As I said above I am "mildly addicted" :)  Now I can read for a half hour or so at a time on the computer/kindle, but watching a tv episode last night was definitely a bit much - ugh I felt horrible after that!  But generally things are improving - Thank God!  My doc said it could be 4-6 weeks before I am "back to normal.")

Baby Thoughts. . . some reflecting, mostly random

Ordinarily I would have a huge happy post about welcoming the new baby (Zipporah Marie) to the family right now.  And let me tell you, it is killing me to not have such a post, but I'm making myself wait as I want to share her birth story and I am anticipating some wonderful pictures to accompany it.  This time I was blessed to have a birth photographer and if you were ever on the fence over such a thing, let me just say I will TREASURE these pictures, I am sure (from what I have gotten to glimpse so far, anyhow).  Now, would I/if I could have, had one for each of my sixth births? . . . I'm not sure.  But at this point in my life, it is SO COOL to see pictures of the birth as by the time the photographer got there and started taking pictures I was "in the zone" trying to survive all the insanity going on in my body and I have always wondered what it looked like from the outside.  My husband assured me it was "gross" and I did not want to see it, but that is why women give birth and not men I think.  Or perhaps seeing the pictures simply reminds me of the entire event as a whole - which is absolutely incredible- perhaps the most important event I get to participate in my whole life! (With the exception of the Sacrifice of the Eucharist at Mass, of course :)

Anyhow, as usually happens to me, post-birth, I have been doing some reflecting over the past few days.  Pregnancy and childbirth are such amazing occasions in a woman's life. I know birth always gives me a spectacular high that lasts several days (about a week this time) before I am just flat-out exhausted and then comes the hormonal insanity, but really there is such a beauty to it.  I am always floored by how much I can love another creature - this little baby - so fiercely and completely.  But more than just this new profound, anticipated, but still seemingly unexpected love for my baby, I feel almost as though the blinders come off my heart for a bit during this "recovery period" and I "feel" love for everyone more profoundly.  Suddenly I am writing thank you notes that make people cry and I am GERMAN - I DON'T CRY or have anything to do with crying!!  Every decision becomes life-shattering and I feel completely caught up trying to absorb every minute.  

I took Zipporah to daily Mass last Thursday and it really was a Mass of Thanksgiving for me.  Thanksgiving for her arrival and her perfection.  Thanksgiving for God blessing me with such a wonderful family.  I had to go to adoration afterward because I just could not get enough.  In the midst of my thankfulness, I remember my friends who long for children and mourn for them and then I think of all those children aborted and mourn for them and their poor, lost parents.  How I wish they could experience my seemingly infinite thankfulness.

And now it is time to rest and as much as I want to continue pondering. . . I really need to "pull the plug" here, so to speak, and get some rest.  My apologies for being "all over the place" but in my defense, I did call it reflections and ramblings and there has been a lot of both of those, for sure!  

Be sure to keep your eyes out for that birth post as it is coming soon.

Blessings!

Lenten Reflection

“My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.”  (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I was recently reflecting over Lent as it is Holy Week and THE END IS NEAR!!  I feel that I put forth a valiant. . . ok, maybe not quite valiant. . . I feel I put forth a decent effort.  Maybe I could have pushed harder. . . but I definitely did really try.  Some days were better than others as far as keeping calm.  I think it did get a little easier.  We did our Lenten Cross and that went better than I expected.  Unfortunately we never got to the Stations of the Cross matching which makes me tremendously sad as I was REALLY looking forward to this.  But I got hung up on coloring the pictures to laminate them.  This was a bigger project than I realized (and coloring 14 stations twice, NICELY, takes more time than I could find).  Likewise, I wanted to pray the Stations of the Cross with my kids, at least on Fridays.  I even bought a special book I was so pumped about and have we done it yet?  No.  It was this final reflection that made me think I should blog about this. 

My initial reaction to it all, FAILURE!!  But within seconds I realized that exempt from Mortal Sin, failure is not a big deal unless I make it one.  Ok, so I did not get the stations matching game made up in Lent.  Should I give up and move on?  NO!!  We can still pray the stations even when it is not Lent!!  Every Friday we are to recall the passion and offer special sacrifice.  So I ate some sweets once or twice after giving up sweets for Lent, does that mean all of my attempts and sacrifices were for nothing?  I would like to think not.  What it does is keep me humble and I can tell you I can definitely use a good dose of humility now and again!!  So if you are in my boat (feeling a bit like a failure), then lets go wake our sleeping Jesus (Mark 4:35-41) and have him calm the storm so we can smooth sail the rest of this amazing season.  And maybe tomorrow I will break out that book and pray the Stations of the Cross with my kiddos.  Get up and keep going.  When we are weak, he is strong.

This seemed right on the money today

I am currently reading the book Father Elija by Michael D. O'Brien. And a passage (p.122) I came across this morning really struck me.

"You want to be a saint, Billy. But you want to be a saint on your own terms. You want glorious victories with your sword; most of all, you want victories over your personal weaknesses and faults."

"What's wrong with that?"

"It is a good desire, but it can also be a kind of idealism masking pride."

"Who is the saint? The one who obeys God in his weakness, the one who demands every admirable quality before he sets forth on his quest?"

"Put that way, it's obvious."

"You accused me of romanticism a few days ago. Aren't all of us romantics who want our armor to shine and our swords to flash and our bella figura to draw many admiring glances as we make battle for God?"

It is not really necessary to understand the external parts of this passage. Two men are talking and this is what they say and oh how I find it so true about myself! I keep telling God I will do His will as soon as I get my own act cleaned up. Once I have my house finally organized and clean, once my kids learn their manners and their catechism, once I am able to restrain myself at table and in the store, once I lose another 20lbs, get my hair cut, and finally get my nails done. THEN, I will look good enough and be ready to do what God wants. Until then. . . well, I guess He'll just have to wait or help with MY list.

And God says - "hahahahahaha - If you would just let go of all these things that YOU think are important (however noble they may be - and however true it may be that you need to improve in these areas) and let ME tell you what I want right now. Let ME use you in your weakness, that My power may be made perfect and all these THINGS you think are so important (which are actually weighing you down as you try to conquer them alone) I can take from you, giving you instead peace and a task that is easy for you to bear.

As Saint Paul says, "for whenever I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:10)

And as Jesus says, "Come to me all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy , and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

And again, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid." (John 14:27)

Life Giving Love

Ok, so I am reading this book (or trying to - in tiny snip-its as I am able) and LOVING IT!! I just read this line:

Hope is the God-given ability to look at our ragtag collection of little ones and see part of the army of God. It is the sense that God knows what he is doing in calling us to this incredible task of changing the world one diaper at a time. And hope is what God produces in us through trials that are met with endurance.

Ahhh, soothing to my soul. Kimberly Hahn is my hero. She speaks the truth that I need to hear after being bombarded by so many lies. Basically the truth from this book is that KIDS ARE GOOD - actually, not just good, GREAT (but not in the way Frosted Flakes are). They are blessings beyond our understanding - everything about them. I would not be the person I am today if I had not had my children and it seems as though each new one teaches me something the others have not.

Recently my husband and I sat down and took a serious look at our finances (again - yes, we do this quite often) and came to the conclusion that we are not just poor, we are incredibly poor. But you know what? I honestly don't envy the rich anymore. I really used to. I used to think of how nice it would be to be able to buy everything I want. But now I realize. . . if I could buy everything I want, what use would I have for God? Where would I find time for Him if I didn't need Him so desperately?

Blessed are the poor. He is not kidding! We are so incredibly blessed. Through our poverty I am able to fully trust that God will provide for us. Through our poverty I am able to see just how little earthly wealth matters. Shelter and food and clothing are good, don't get me wrong, but in the end, what endures? The eternal souls of His children - His children that He lets us bear for Him. What an honor.

How often have I heard "I'm done having children. We dont' want anymore." How sad. How sad that we miss the blessings God has for us. How sad that we say no to the sacrifices we have to make in order to care for children -the very sacrifices that make us better people and turn us toward Him!

Waiting. . . a reflection for advent. . . but fitting for almost anytime

I have been giving a lot of thought to waiting lately. It really seems that waiting makes my world go round. It is so important and yet do we really give it enough credit? I would be so bold as to say a main focus of our life on earth is to learn how to wait. Since I think in bullets (and I'm a bit too distracted to put my thoughts in nice eloquent sentences at the moment - yea kids :) I'm going to make a list to help explain. Here are some things to do with waiting.

* We must learn to wait as adults
1) We wait for coffee to brew.
2) We wait for the mail.
3) We try to wait to have dessert or other sweets (if we are trying to be more healthy) as long as possible - I managed to wait so long last night that I actually avoided having a piece of chocolate - I did not have the will-power to say "no I will not eat it" but I told myself I had to wait and eventually I went to bed without it. The power of waiting is simply amazing
5) We wait for Jesus to come at Christmas.
6) We wait for our lives to be over.
7) We wait for Jesus to come again as King and rule over all.

*We teach our kids to wait
1) A child that can wait for a few minutes is like a breath of heaven. My daughter has learned this lesson so well she will begin her request with, "Mommy, when you are done nursing Jacob could you. . . " or what-not depending on what I am doing.
2) A child that cannot wait and must have his/her toy/milk/food/etc RIGHT NOW is hell because they tell you ever three seconds what they want - sometimes demanding, sometimes getting more violent. . . and even if you wanted to get it for them right that instant, sometimes you just can't.
3) Children need to learn to wait at the store, at school, at home.

*And waiting is not simply something we do when we feel like it (although sometimes conditions make us choose not to wait).
1) We have to wait out in the cold for the car tank to fill with gas.
2) We have to wait in line at the store to buy cough medicine when we have a headache or other ailments. Then we wait at home to feel better.
3) We have to wait for breakfast to cook or other meals to be prepared - often when we are very hungry.
4) Personally I have to make myself wait until the end of my exercise video to quit exercising even though I am in discomfort from the strain.
5) I often find it most difficult to wait for my husband to come home because sometimes I am just having a bad day and miss him a lot.
6) I wait for bedtime for the kids when they are becoming more and more difficult to care for as they get tired, or sick, or wired on sugar.
7) I wait for the next paycheck. . . praying no unexpected expenses come up and that the milk lasts - sometimes we drink water while we wait for the next paycheck or eat hot dogs and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (my fall-back cheap and easy food).
8) As parents we wait impatiently - with each second seeming like an hour - for our sick kids to feel better - wishing there was something we could do (something we have not tried already).


Waiting. . . it is more than one might think at first glance. I think God is really trying to get me to see, this advent, that waiting is important and definitely worth our time.