Lean In -- A Reflection Post

Life has been overwhelming lately. Not overwhelming as in I don't know where my next meal is coming from or have adequate shelter over my head.  Likewise, I have no serious threats to my security or that of my children. But I am feeling overwhelmed because I cannot complete the tasks I think are important. I am overwhelmed because I cannot function on the level I have in the past.

Am I surprised by this? Not in the least. It happens as I recover after each new baby. I struggle. I grow. I recover. But the patience is always hard. It is always hard to look at my still-saggy body and wish I felt more like working out - or had a baby that was not quite so needy all the time. It is hard to take my super-sensitive two-year-old AND my easily-irritable baby out in public. Sometimes I the grace comes to stay calm amidst their cries and struggles, but the looks the comments of others cut deep.  It is exhausting on so many levels.

Me and the kiddos out and about :)

As I was turning to God in the midst of this, I found myself telling Him, "I'm just off-balance."  I cannot seem figure out what is important and what is not. I get distracted. I try to fix one area of my life and another falls apart.  I get the laundry done, but then have nothing to offer the children for dinner so we eat frozen pizza for the third time this week. We make it out of the house for a fun activity and I get some work done for my part-time job, but suddenly the house is an absolute mess and the kitchen floor so sticky I think one of my shoes is still adhered there.

But then I realized, this is the stuff of the life God has called me to.I am not called (at least not right now) to spend days doing serious fasting and kneeling on cold hard floors (although I do that now, but because I think its fun - I am so strange, I admit it). I am not called to hard physical labor or to combat.  God has called me to be faithful to my vocation. My primary vocation is wife and mother. So God is calling me to connect with my husband - spend time with him and take concern over his day. Then God is calling me to care for my children. I have to discern if I should be putting in extra effort to find super-healthy meals or if my time is better spent in other avenues, while I offer them more processed and simple choices. This is the stuff I struggle with, but I am just finally realizing the struggle is real. I am not making decisions that affect tons of lives or doing heavy lifting, but I'm doing what needs to be done for our family and that is something.

I really feel like God is in the moment. Each moment I am trying to discern what I should be doing. Often the crying baby trumps all, or my grumbling tummy makes it clear. Other times I get distracted and suddenly an hour has passed and I have nothing to show for it.

But the secret I am learning is that the more off-balance I get, the more I need to lean in. My family practices the art of Aikido. In Aikido there is a lot of leaning. Generally the person being attacked wants to use the attacker's momentum to get the attacker off-balanced and "throw" (literally) them away. In the case of God, though, I see it as allowing Him to throw my energy where He sees fit. I attack Him. I give him all the power I can muster, flailing into Him blindly these days, and he redirects my efforts sending them off in all directions to my family, my friends, my community. And being overwhelmed almost seems to help fuel the cannon as I have so many reasons to turn to Him. All I need to do is lean in and let Him guide me through His will for me at that moment - whether it be cleaning the floor, bathing the children, or finishing up a work assignment. I don't need to be troubled by all those things I am not doing that I think need to be done, or all those things I would like to be doing. I just need to be in the moment with God, and it all starts by leaning in.

Zipporah is now TWO!!

Happy Birthday, Zipporah!!  

(Only about a month late - oops!! - but no less sincere.)

*One of Zipporah's favorite pastimes is playing dress-up with her sister, Miriam.

*She is a little slow-to-warm-up and often prefers to take in new situations from Mom's arms, with her thumb in her mouth.

*Once Zipporah is comfortable, she turns into one of the most joyful children I have ever seen.  Her smile and dimples really light up the room.

*She loves to eat and will often take food from my plate - food none of the other children will touch, such as tomatoes and sauteed onions.

*She loves to climb - even if is just on Mom's lap or legs.  Sitting still is not in her repertoire anymore (which is funny because up to this point she has been my most cuddly and snuggly baby).

*Zipporah has an outraged cry that sounds much like a goose honk.  She gives it more and more often these days, as two-year-olds are easily offended, you know.

May God bless you, dear Zipporah Marie and help you grow in virtue and love of God, all your days.
- Amen
And this year, we actually remembered to celebrate her Baptism Anniversary!!

We had Rice Crispy Treats (with peanut butter and chocolate because that is how we do things in this house) and since Zipporah does not talk much, and was not really able to understand what was going on, the children and I all renewed our baptismal promises so we could be strengthened to share the faith with her.

You were claimed for Christ at your baptism, Zipporah!  May He always remain as Lord of your heart.

7 Quick Takes

1) Rebekah confessed to me today that sometimes she thinks we might have too many kids in our family.

But then she followed it up with, "but I can't think of who I would rather not be here," to put it all in perspective.  And for the record, she has been telling me regularly we need MORE kids, but not next year as she wants to be sure and finish school on time (which did not happen this year, largely because I was busying being very pregnant and useless for a few weeks at the end, and then recovering from having a baby for a few more weeks).  Rebekah definitely has a generous heart and some solid wisdom going for her.

2) Zipporah's birthday was last month and I have yet to blog about it.

Poor Zipporah.  Because June was SOOOO busy and her birthday fell on Fathers' Day, of all days, we decided to join her extended family celebration with her older older sister (Rebekah) in early July.  But now I have yet to put up her yearly birthday blog post.  That's what happens to kid #6 apparently.

3) I have not been actively looking for work, but I accidentally got some.

My hubby and I have had this discussion - should I get a job, part-time, full-time, should we put the kids in school or daycare?  And we basically decided me being home and homeschooling them was the best for all and we could make it work on hubby's salary.  But suddenly, out of the blue, an ideal part-time, work-at-home job fell in my lap and I am really enjoying it!!  It is transcription work and since I have a hidden love of English from my dear English-teacher father, and I love to type, I am finding this kind of work most rewarding and refreshing (as the regular life of a stay-home-mom can be a little mind-numbing).  And then a few days later, ANOTHER possible part-time work-at-home has fallen into my lap as a friend asked me to write for a blog.  That one is still in the works, but if/when I actually do get it going, I will be sure to let you know!!

4) Peter is sleeping better. . . kinda.

Peter remains a bit of a "needy baby" but he is sleeping better.  At least he lets me lay him down now and gives me 3 or 4 hours at a time.  Unfortunately last night I think he was attached all night (maybe a growth spurt?) but we were able to sleep in this morning, so that helped.  I am so grateful for summer and being able to adjust my schedule as needed.

Also, in my brilliance of dealing with Peter, I noticed he does not care for the baby vibrator chair so much anymore.  He still enjoys the Bumbo some, but gets tired of it quickly.  Unfortunately he does not tolerate being horizontal on the ground very well AT ALL.  Movement is something he really enjoys so I began thinking about a swing.  We have had swings in the past, but a 15lb baby weighs down a swing REALLY FAST and makes it eat batteries like crazy.  Plug-in swings are expensive and take take up a lot of room so. . . I decided to try an outside baby swing hung on the same hooks as our notorious rings.  It actually has worked REALLY WELL.

Peter does not require much pushing and there is lots of help besides.  Plus if/when he does fall asleep is he up high enough to not be disturbed by the two-year-old and he is right in the middle of the front room so I can easily keep and eye on him.

5) Rebekah loves to pet-sit.

A friend of ours had some baby chickens that needed attention while they took a short trip over the weekend.  (Shhh, don't tell anyone that chickens are not allowed in town.)  We kept them in the garage for three days, in a little tub and Rebekah faithfully changed their food and water and gave them fresh paper twice a day.  She was IN HEAVEN caring for those little creatures.

Now she is checking on a friend's cat once a day and enjoying that.  I'm thinking that she should just be a regular pet-sitter.  This way she can make money AND we don't have to get a pet of our own.  Win win!!

6) The other day I asked my husband a question about laundry baskets.

Honestly, we need a couple more laundry baskets and we have a hodgepodge right now and they don't really fit together well for stacking so I thought we should be sure to match at least one of our current baskets.  I was looking online (as that is where I shop these days) and realized I needed to know the size of baskets we had.  When I asked my husband what size he thought one of our baskets was he gave me the oddest look.  And then commented, "This is really what you think about?"  Yep, that's the glorious life of a stay-home-mom.  Running the house means thinking about things like size and shape of laundry baskets.  Oh these moments :)

7) Food-body-image- mulling.

I was trying to eat the Whole 30 diet while being pregnant and then after (lately) for a lot of reasons - mostly because it makes me feel good and somewhat because I know it will help me lose extra weight.  But I have been struggling with some stomach issues for the past three weeks or so and what do they recommend for upset tummies?  Bread - Rice - Applesauce - Toast, right?  God has such a great sense of humor, to make me eat almost exactly what I was trying NOT to eat for so long.  Thankfully my stomach is FINALLY settling down.  

I actually ate junk food the other day and did not feel totally sick afterward - party on!  Unfortunately I then felt guilty!!  I should be eating healthy.  I need to get back in shape!  And then I remembered I just had a baby and I need to cut myself some slack.  I have never done this in the past - I have always immediately tried to jump back on the bandwagon, working out, no desserts, etc etc.  But you know what?  Not this time.  This time I am giving myself TIME.  It took nine months to put this weight on and I'm going to take nine months to take it back off - and maybe more.  Although I do wish to be stronger and faster and maybe a little less jiggly, I am still pretty amazing.  I can lift and carry my 15lb Peter around the grocery store or on walks - just in my arms.  I can strap Peter on in my wrap or a sling and then carry my 2-year-old in my arms beside Peter, around the store or for short walks.  I am pretty strong.  And I might have little extra softness but my kids all seem to love leaning on those parts of me.  I'm still adjusting emotionally to having a biz-zillion kids and trying to figure out my baby's cues.  Sometimes I find a little chocolate or another treat makes me a much better momma and I have decided that is OK.

Instead of trying to kill myself in the gym, I have been taking more and longer walks.  This way I am gently growing in stamina and not making myself miserable in the process.  My favorite alignment guru (Katy Bowman) calls it "stacking your life."  Instead of JUST getting some movement, let the movement take you somewhere or do it with others. I do both.  Often I walk with Rebekah and we chat it up.  Other times I walk to the store or to run an errand.  Right now I see no need to sacrifice sleep to get up and dance along to a work-out video.  There will be plenty of time for that once Peter is older.  And instead of dusting off my free weights, I just pick up my babies.  Zipporah is just about the perfect weight for bicep curls.