Lean In -- A Reflection Post

Life has been overwhelming lately. Not overwhelming as in I don't know where my next meal is coming from or have adequate shelter over my head.  Likewise, I have no serious threats to my security or that of my children. But I am feeling overwhelmed because I cannot complete the tasks I think are important. I am overwhelmed because I cannot function on the level I have in the past.

Am I surprised by this? Not in the least. It happens as I recover after each new baby. I struggle. I grow. I recover. But the patience is always hard. It is always hard to look at my still-saggy body and wish I felt more like working out - or had a baby that was not quite so needy all the time. It is hard to take my super-sensitive two-year-old AND my easily-irritable baby out in public. Sometimes I the grace comes to stay calm amidst their cries and struggles, but the looks the comments of others cut deep.  It is exhausting on so many levels.

Me and the kiddos out and about :)

As I was turning to God in the midst of this, I found myself telling Him, "I'm just off-balance."  I cannot seem figure out what is important and what is not. I get distracted. I try to fix one area of my life and another falls apart.  I get the laundry done, but then have nothing to offer the children for dinner so we eat frozen pizza for the third time this week. We make it out of the house for a fun activity and I get some work done for my part-time job, but suddenly the house is an absolute mess and the kitchen floor so sticky I think one of my shoes is still adhered there.

But then I realized, this is the stuff of the life God has called me to.I am not called (at least not right now) to spend days doing serious fasting and kneeling on cold hard floors (although I do that now, but because I think its fun - I am so strange, I admit it). I am not called to hard physical labor or to combat.  God has called me to be faithful to my vocation. My primary vocation is wife and mother. So God is calling me to connect with my husband - spend time with him and take concern over his day. Then God is calling me to care for my children. I have to discern if I should be putting in extra effort to find super-healthy meals or if my time is better spent in other avenues, while I offer them more processed and simple choices. This is the stuff I struggle with, but I am just finally realizing the struggle is real. I am not making decisions that affect tons of lives or doing heavy lifting, but I'm doing what needs to be done for our family and that is something.

I really feel like God is in the moment. Each moment I am trying to discern what I should be doing. Often the crying baby trumps all, or my grumbling tummy makes it clear. Other times I get distracted and suddenly an hour has passed and I have nothing to show for it.

But the secret I am learning is that the more off-balance I get, the more I need to lean in. My family practices the art of Aikido. In Aikido there is a lot of leaning. Generally the person being attacked wants to use the attacker's momentum to get the attacker off-balanced and "throw" (literally) them away. In the case of God, though, I see it as allowing Him to throw my energy where He sees fit. I attack Him. I give him all the power I can muster, flailing into Him blindly these days, and he redirects my efforts sending them off in all directions to my family, my friends, my community. And being overwhelmed almost seems to help fuel the cannon as I have so many reasons to turn to Him. All I need to do is lean in and let Him guide me through His will for me at that moment - whether it be cleaning the floor, bathing the children, or finishing up a work assignment. I don't need to be troubled by all those things I am not doing that I think need to be done, or all those things I would like to be doing. I just need to be in the moment with God, and it all starts by leaning in.

7 Quick Takes. . . What is on my mind lately.

1) Lately I feel like time, in general, has simply vanished.  There is NO TIME for ANYTHING!!  Want to read a book?  Sorry, no time.  Want to sew on boy scout patches?  Sorry, no time for that.  Want to clean off the top of the piano?  Want to redo the living room sacred space?  Want to wash the water bottles?  Want to clean up the kitchen?  Want to actually fold the laundry and put it away before the next wash comes through??  Want to get back in the rhythm of daily family prayer and bible study?

Somehow when I was not looking my life has taken off running without me and I cannot seem to catch it again!!  So what am I doing despite all this missing time?

a) I have managed to find time to feed everyone.

b) School work for the older three is going pretty well.

c) We have gotten back in our regular daily Mass once a week routine.

d) I'm getting the kids to Aikido, swim team, and religion class on Wednesday nights (which I am beginning to be convinced is a colossal waste of everyone's time, but that is for another post).

e) I am nursing and caring for a baby.

Hmmm. . . I guess my afterthought "e" there might be taking up some of that missing time. . . but honestly she is a fairly easy baby.  She does like to be held and nurse quite a bit during the day, but she is by no means a seriously "high maintenance" child.

2) My children's books need assistance.  We have quite a few books.  However, I feel they need to be organized in a different manner.  Right now they span about 8 or 9 shelves of four different bookshelves (the upper shelves are for adult books or photo albums and some of the other shelves are for toys).  I read a post recently from Catholic Icing, about how she organized her books by level and that helped.  I have considered doing such.  I even ordered some stickers for it.  But now I am hesitating as I am not sure I have the capacity to separate them by sticker. . . and really even if I did, some of the books are hardback and some are softcover.  And of the softcover books, they vary greatly by size.  They do not stack well on the shelves. . .at all.  So should I put them in bins or buckets??  I have some canvas bins, but my children have destroyed several of those in the past.  Is this because my children are overly destructive?  Or because I am lax in my parenting?  Or simply because we had the bins for several years and they are not necessarily made to stand up to that kind of stress?  Perhaps I need new shelves (like cubby-type-shelves instead of my regular bookshelves), but I have nowhere to put such shelves and no money for making those kinds of changes right now.

I've also considered splitting up my books into twelve groups and then rotating them by month, but. . . where would I put the ones NOT in rotation?!?!  (We do not exactly have an excess of space around here.)

3) My two-year-old, dear sweet Miriam, is driving me BANANAS at bedtime!!  Why she will not just go to sleep like everyone else is so beyond me.  I know that is a rough age.  I know kids around two and three-years-old like to get up and turn on the light and generally cause a stir.  But good gravy, it has been over three months since we moved her from her crib to her toddler bed.  Get it figured out already!!!  She is the last one to sleep and the first one up.  I have tried adjusting her nap (longer, shorter, earlier, later, skipping. . . hah, that does not happen - she will simply deactivate wherever she is) and that is no help.  I KNOW this phase will pass.  I KNOW all the other children (with the exception of "Angel" Rebekah - who is God's gift to us as the best possible child in the history of ever. . . nothing like setting the bar high for her siblings) went through this and they all go to bed with little fuss now and sleep until morning, no problem.

I think what frustrates me most is not being able to "fix" this problem.  I can lay by her for a while, but it is HOURS before she will fall asleep with me by her side.  I can rock her, but again, I can rock her for AN HOUR (honestly, I will watch the clock) and she will still be awake when I lay her in her bed.  She just needs to figure it out, preferably before I go insane.

4) I am growing to REALLY like my husband.  I just thought I'd throw this one out there with all the rest of the "craziness" I have posted so far.  Despite my current sense of ineptitude in some respects, it is nice to feel as though my husband and I are at the least on the same team, and most days, even playing the same sport!  

I know, I married this man however long ago, you would think I liked him "enough" to do that, right?  Well, of course, but we change as we grow and we are really starting to grow more together.  We appreciate each other more these days.  We are slower to anger (mostly) and quicker to forgive and move on.  

There is so much about marriage that I would say one can only learn as you do it.  And honestly, when I got married, I had NO CLUE!!  Sure we took the marriage classes required by the Church and such.  Sure we went on an Engaged Encounter (which was a royal waste of our time, but again that is for another post).  But I cannot tell you how many times, since getting married, that I have HONESTLY THANKED GOD for giving me such a great husband.  Because I had NO IDEA he was going to be such (or what one would even look like) when I married him!

5) I am beginning to see my faults more. . . and I think this is good.  I have been really trying to get to confession more often.  Lately it has been once a month or so.  And I have REALLY been trying to examine my conscience each night.  I feel like God is trying to pour grace on me, but I need to examine my conscience to scrape out a hole for it to fill!  Then, when I got to confession, I get even MORE grace dumped in to help transform me into a saint.

6) I have started exercising at a fairly intense level again (going on about four weeks now) since I had my last baby.  I really felt like I was more fit this past pregnancy, than I have been for any of my others.  Even the last few weeks did not seem that bad physically.  And then the birth went amazingly well and I recovered fairly quickly.  The only frustrating part at the moment is to see where I was (remembering how my clothes were getting very very loose right before I got pregnant - I had just lost about 25lbs) and see how I am NOT THERE now.  I feel like I am fairly strong still and I have "nice curves" but I was much more lean and quick before.  I hope to get there again.  I am trying to be patient and give myself some time.  It is a conscious act of the will to do so.

7) God has blessed us with some amazing neighbors.  Honestly, my kids go play in the next-door neighbors' yard AT LEAST three or four times a week - often for hours on end - and the neighbors even seem to like having them there!!  Plus I can get some "adult conversation" (and chatting with my stay-home-mom neighbor is better than dessert.  She is so skilled at conversation she should be a therapist - seriously, I LOVE to talk with her!!  She is so good at asking questions and reformulating what I am saying to show she really is listening.  I am so in awe of her social skills!) anytime I pop over to join in the fun the kids are having.  Then on the other side we have an older couple with their kids all grown, but they are super-friendly and supportive of our kiddos.  Across the street is a nice "old guy" that often gives us fresh produce from his garden.  And down on the corner is another fun family with kids!!  My husband wants to move out in the country.  While I would not mind this, I cannot help but be SO GRATEFUL for the loving and supportive people he has given us right outside the home we have now.

Well, there you have it.  The top seven subjects rolling around in my brain right now.  I hope you enjoyed them.  Coming soon (hopefully) will be "the case of the missing birthdays" (aka, a recap of Rebekah's 9th birthday, which was in July, and Jacob's 6th birthday, which was in August).  So stay tuned!!

Zipporah approves of this message :)

Zipporah's Birth

It was a dark and stormy night. . . 

Actually, it was a warm day in mid-June.  Since my last four births were inductions I was sort-of expecting the same this time, while trying to be hopeful it would not happen.  In any case, even though I had gotten to the point of planning childcare for the "big day" I was still thrown off-guard mentally at my last appointment when "it became real."  Every time, it seems that happens.  As much as I try to prepare, I am still a blubbering mess the minute my doc says, how about "this day."

I had decided to wait until the next Monday, June 23rd. . . but then as I saw my doctor the Monday before (on my due date, June 16) said she said I would need to come in for a non-stress test on Thursday, I joked about bringing my bag and just staying, but she looked at me seriously and said I could come in on Wednesday (June 18) instead. . . if I wanted.  Goodness, I felt like she had just asked if I wanted my arm or my leg cut off.  I could NOT decide!!  I spent most of the day in agony.  Seriously.  Finally, even though I wanted so badly to give myself more time, it really fit in everyone's schedule (my husband, my parents, my in-laws) better if we went ahead and "did it" on Wednesday.  And after some reflection (especially now that the induction went as it did) I honestly believe if we had decided to wait until Monday, I still would have had to be induced, it just would have been a few days later and a bit more inconvenient for everyone.

So the morning of my induction day (set to begin that evening - around 7:30pm), I woke up early and went for a nice long walk (as was my custom during the later weeks of pregnancy, once my belly became too large for jogging).  It was nice and peaceful.  I was enjoying myself and chatting with God, and suddenly I look down and 500,000 mosquitoes were attacking my legs!!  Seriously!!  Where did they come from and how did I not notice them earlier?!?!  (Well, I was wearing compression pantyhose, and I "feel" those all the time, so I guess that is why I did not notice them earlier, but to have them all attack at once was quite unnerving!!)  I spent the rest of my walk (about 30 more minutes to get back home) looking down at my legs (first front and then back - making my gait quite awkward) every five seconds to check for/swat at mosquitoes!!  I felt like I had gotten jumped in the subway and those 30 minutes were MISERABLE.  All I could think was, "Really, God?!?!  Was that necessary?!?!"  Anyhow, about 10 minutes from home I realized I was early enough this morning that I could probably jump in the shower and still make it to the church near my house for the 8am daily Mass.  My brain thought, "Good idea!!" so I picked up the pace, speed-showered, and ran up to the church only to discover they do not have the 8am daily Mass on Wednesdays. . . only Tuesdays and Thursdays (the days we usually attend with the local Catholic school).  So slap-in-the-face number two. . .

I pushed on with my day, finished packing/prepping the house to be gone a few days, etc. and managed to get my husband and oldest daughter, Rebekah (who would be attending the birth with me), to Plainville (30 minutes away - where I would deliver), not only on-time, but early!!  We got them Dairy Queen burgers for dinner (the husband's favorite) and I skipped because I was too nervous to eat.

Notice my husband's humor. . . he was quick to "doodle" on our white-board.

We had to enter through the Emergency entrance because that is the only door not locked after 6 pm.  The ladies there, though, were most helpful and friendly.  Shortly after getting settled they started me on cervadil.  Although many of my friends have great stories of labor happening shortly after starting this drug, I cannot add my story to theirs.  The best I had were some fairly regular "wimpy" contractions by morning.  Fortunately I was able to sleep fairly well - even in that uncomfortable hospital bed.

So then that morning I had to make ANOTHER DECISION!!  Blargh, why is giving birth full of so many choices?!?!  

(But on the flip side, I am grateful to be consulted.  I should note that when I got there, my nurse told me, "This is YOUR birth.  Whatever YOU want, let us know."  And I really carried that attitude with me.  This is MY BIRTH.  I am in charge and they are here to assist/help.)

I was not eager to start pitocin, but I was not quite ready to "just go home" and come back on Monday.  So we decided to do some walking.  We walked from Rooks County Health Center (RCHC) to the awesome playground at Sacred Heart Catholic School in Plainville.  Although it takes five minutes to make the trip by car, it is apparently about two miles one way.  Who knew?  My doctor was a little shocked to hear that we went so far but my family really enjoys "destination" walks, so this was perfect for us.

After letting my daughter play some we walked on to the local convenience store for her and my husband to pick up some snacks.  By the time we got back to RCHC my contractions (which had been every 3-5 minutes for a minute to a minute and a half long) were getting stronger.  I was hopeful that maybe things would keep going.  Unfortunately as I sat down for a bit back in my room, they practically stopped.

I was grateful for this opportunity to try and "do it on my own" but I finally realized that I NEEDED the pitocin.  So we ate lunch and got it started.  Oddly enough, even with the pitocin, my contractions were not all the regular (which is not how pitocin usually works for me - normally they come fast and furious) and they were not all that strong either (but that is NOT uncommon for me in the beginning of starting pitocin).  Once the pitocin started I had to be "babysat" in case anything went wrong.  But I did not mind because I had an AMAZING nurse.  Seriously, she is THE BEST LABOR NURSE EVER!   What I remember most about her was feeling so comfortable.  With other labor nurses, I know they are there to help me and keep me safe, but there is almost a "fear" about them -a sense of "I have to protect you, I HOPE you will listen to me, and I am AFRAID for what you are going through."  There was none of that with Nancy.  She was completely relaxed and calm and it might have helped that we had similar interests in tv shows and books.  It was as if I had my best friend in the room, although we just met that morning.  Plus she was always reminding me to change positions every so often and suggesting other things to try and help the baby move down and open my hips, etc, but without being pushy or over-bearing about it.  Nancy was a tremendous blessing and I will be singing her praises for A LONG TIME and probably be requesting her if/when I end up delivering at RCHC again.

A couple hours of so-so contractions came and went.  I listened to some soothing music, got bored, watched an episode of Eureka, and then just sat and talked with Nancy for a while.  Finally around 5pm my doc came in and broke my water.  I had been wanting her to do that a bit sooner, but she had some patients to see, some loose ends to tie up, etc.  Since I was not in major discomfort yet I did not mind so much.  I was only at a loose 4 by this point.  However, once she broke my water, I immediately KNEW it was time for things to start happening.  I was nauseous and shaking.  I told my husband to call our birth photographer and tell her the baby would probably be here within an hour.  He looked at me skeptically and double-checked, "really, ONE hour?!?!"  I told him I could be wrong (although deep inside, I did not doubt my prediction) but just tell her "things are happening."  Fortunately, she was planning to come once she got off work at 5pm, so she was already on her way.  (Good thing, too, as I ended up delivering about 50 minutes later.)

This is where I mentally began to go crazy as I KNEW the end was close, but THIS WAS THE HARD PART!!  My favorite position ended up being hands and knees on the bed, with the head of the bed way up for me to grab on.  I had failed to get myself some cute "labor clothes" (one item from the "to do" list that just never got done) so here I was in my old giant t-shirt that I happened to be wearing when I came the day before and nothing else - giant arse up in the air for all to see.  But that's what labor is, right?  :)  At this point though, the pain was getting intense enough I really did not care AT ALL.  Now I care.  But then, not so much.  It was all I could do to breath through the contractions as they were the rough ones.  Fortunately there were only a few - I counted the REALLY BAD ones - somewhere between 6 and 10, I would say and did my best to offer up the pain for the intentions of my friends (that I had carefully listed out and read through earlier).

The handy thing about this position was that I did not have to switch to let my doc check me.  Which sounds silly, but it was a major perk as laying on my back during this part of labor is THE WORST for me.  Finally I felt the baby move down into my pelvis and my doc confirmed I was complete.  Then she asked if I wanted to deliver squatting.

ANOTHER DECISION!!  Sheesh!! 

(I say in jest, of course, I wrote a labor plan and mentally prepped myself for this moment as I really enjoy the pushing part and I wanted to savor it.  If I can say that without sound dumb, of course :)

I had WANTED to deliver in the birthing tub.  It was in my birth plan and everything.  But I knew the minute they hooked up the pitocin that would not happen as you cannot be on pictocin and have a water birth.  I would have to be off the pitocin for at least 30 minutes before getting in the water.  So plan B. . . They had brought in a squat bar, but I was more excited about the birthing stool.

This is might be hard to believe, but this picture was taken as I climbed off the bed, getting ready to push.  I was SO HAPPY!!  Giving birth is such a rush!  Notice my awesome nurse, Nancy, holding the doppler for the baby so they could hear her heartbeat?  She went above and beyond, for sure.  And my doc is behind me, prepping for delivery I guess. . . or maybe tying her shoe?  (LOL :)

In any case, I hopped off the bed, and I remember shouting out my thanks to God for getting me to that point!!  It was like seeing the finish line about a hundred yards out after a marathon.  (No, I have not run a marathon yet, but I would imagine that is what it is like, ok?  On a side note, running a marathon has been added to my "bucket list.")

Pushing.

I decided to just squat and began pushing.  After the first push, my doctor had me stop a minute to check if the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck.  It was not, but I had a bit of a cervical lip, apparently.  So she simply lifted it over the baby's head, easy peasy.  (Apparently that is quite painful, but I don't remember feeling it at all.)  Then another push and out fell Miss Zipporah.

You have to look closely, but down there, right by my doctor's hand, you can see a baby hand.  She just arrived.

I am taking off my shirt in this picture.  So I can put that baby on my chest.

Deliriously happy :)

Cute chubby baby face.

Pure bliss.

I should put this up on my facebook page and ask for captions as I have no idea what Gordie was saying here and can think of nothing pithy to put at the moment.

Here my doctor is giving my daughter a lesson on "placentas."  The other ladies standing by her were "learning" doctors that where shadowing Dr. Brull.  (I was WELL taken care of :)  I really love how she was very enthusiastic about me having Rebekah there.

I was back and forth on having Rebekah come.  When I initially asked her (shortly after telling her we were pregnant) she said she did not want to be there, but then about a week before she told me she could not decide.  Then the DAY BEFORE she said she WANTED to come.  I am so glad she was there.  She was a great help and it was an experience I am sure she will treasure.

I am so blessed to have such a great doctor!!

And I cannot thank God enough for this amazing birth and this amazing baby.  I love you, Zipporah Marie!!

The Road I've Traveled

I missed posting anything about my birthday (which was last month), so I'm using that as my excuse for the random pondering to follow here. . . 

I'm "past" thirty now in years and really starting to feel like. . . well, not necessarily OLD, as in I cannot do things I once did (that has nothing to do with being old and has everything to do with a husband and growing family), but more like "AN ADULT."  No one bothers to card me anymore (surprise, surprise).  No one looks at me and wonders how I can be "so young" to have all these children.  I would say in the path of life I am definitely "ESTABLISHED."  

(On a side note, I am PHYSICALLY starting to feel quite old, but that really has little to do with my age and most to do with being pregnant with our sixth child. . . but, I am hoping/praying that, as in the past, once baby makes her departure, I will eventually be able to convince my body to behave "in an acceptable way" again.  I figure this is just training for when I AM actually PHYSICALLY OLD and start to have some of these same "issues."  I will be un-phased, for sure and might even have some tricks to employ to make my life easier.)

Anyhow, all this reflection has made me decide to make a list. . . a list of things I never thought I would do.

*Get married

*Have a baby (and like it - also should add breastfeeding here I suppose)

*Raise children

*Stay home with said children

*Homeschool said children

*Attempt to cook more and more meals from scratch

*Turn to more "natural-type" remedies rather than traditional pharmaceutical solutions 

*Like coffee (silly but true - although I still need quite a bit of creamer to enjoy it)

*Have anything to do with the military (my hubby joined the Air Force for a short time)

*Shoot a gun

*Give any thought to possible scenarios where our government ceases to function

*Enjoy running for pleasure and exercise and do so with any regularity

*Own a van that seats more than 8 passengers (which technically I still do not, but the end of those days are hopefully coming soon as our family will cease to fit in our van by mid-June this year)


I suppose that completes my list for now. . . perhaps I will add more later.  But it is kind of fun to take a moment and assess how "out of control" my life appears to have become, but I suppose that is what happens as I try to give it over to God.  Each day I marvel at what He has in mind. . . often the exact opposite of what I was thinking. . . but I really could not have picked a better fit for myself. . . even if I tried.

A Recent Revelation

Lately I've noticed that I'm getting a little grumpy about things that did not used to make me "a little grumpy."  And being grumpy is making me grumpy and suddenly I'm VERY grumpy.  In the midst of this grumpiness I've suddenly realized I'm missing out on a lot of joy and a lot of fun that I used to be having. . .a lot of the time.  So what changed?  Well, a lot, or not much at all (depending on how you look at it), but here is my theory:

Somewhere along the way in the midst of getting married, having babies, etc I have gone from "barely surviving" to "figuring things out."  I have opinions on things now that I never imagined I would have opinions on before.  I now know not only that I CAN survive childbirth, but how to do it better.  I can not only live through a fussy baby, I often still manage to get sleep.  I cannot just cook edible food, now I cook food that I PREFER WHEN COMPARED TO MOST RESTAURANTS!  (That one is huge for me if you cannot tell.)  I now have ideas on what to do when I'm upset at my husband (and still treat him respectfully) and I even have some good ideas on what to do to "be especially nice" to him, as well.  I am far from an expert in any of these areas, but I guess I now have a little experience under my belt and a little confidence.  

And what does all this have to do with my personal joy or grumpiness?  Well, suddenly I believe I have started to expect too much from myself and my family.  Now I'm not saying we should not strive for perfection and be disciplined and deliberate in our actions, decisions, etc.  But suddenly I've noticed that my expectations might be a little too optimistic and thus, when I fall short of them I get GRUMPY!  Here is a real-life example for you.  I went to the grocery store yesterday and spent $13 more than I planned to spend.  The entire drive home I was beating myself up for what I had bought and for not paying better attention.  Obviously I am simple HORRIBLE at keeping a budget, even though I got over $20 from coupons, I obviously could have done that better.  And what had I bought this trip that was more in the "stocking up" category - what I could have lived without until my next trip to the store?  And I started to feel a little sick to my stomach and was thinking I might just never shop again.  Time to move out to the farm and raise all our own food.

Ok, time out.  $13 over is really NOT THAT BIG A DEAL!!  (I imagine all my SERIOUS coupon clippers are gasping at that, but in my life that is just how it is.)  I should be grateful it was not $50 or $100!  And for those stock-up items, who really knows when I'm going to get back to the store and if I will remember them when I get there?  I am actually quite sporadic on my store trips, and they often get pushed off for several days.  And having the right items in my cabinet is often the difference from being able to make a meal or spending more money to bring something in from a restaurant (not to mention usually sacrificing nutrition in the process).

Another example of my over-optimism would be in volunteering to take dinner to a friend yesterday.  We had soccer for Samuel and Jacob, followed by Aikido for Rebekah and Samuel and in the middle of the two I planned to drop off a meal for a friend in need.  And not only did I make a giant meal of meatballs, cheesey potatoes, peas, jigglers, and brownies, I ALSO made two calzones for my family (which required advance planning as I do the dough in the breadmaker and it takes 1.5 hrs).  My kitchen was trashed and we were 10 minutes late for soccer practice, but I managed to get it done.  But as I went about my chores of meal preparation I felt a hurriedness that bordered on panic and I lamented not being able to really enjoy these tasks (as I would have, given more time and better circumstances).  I could have even had the kids help and they would have LOVED IT.

In conclusion, what am I doing about all this?  I'm trying to be more realistic.  Somewhere along the way I bought into the idea (probably from pintrest) that EVERYTHING I do can and should be done PERFECTLY and not only that. . . it should have been done that way TWO DAYS AGO.  I can only do so much.  Although I am starting to do some things pretty well (in my humble opinion) taking that for granted it really sacrificing my joy lately.  So here is to being a little more flexible, not expecting perfection, not trying to do too much (haha), looking for the humor, and being thankful.

And if you have made it this far, here is an adorable picture of Miriam for you to enjoy.

Oh and did I mention I finally published a book I wrote about five years ago?  I wrote it on the suggestion of a few friends.  It is nothing earth shattering, or anything and it is knda short, but there are some good points!  I sent it to some "real" publishers back when I wrote it and although many of them sent me nice letters telling me my theology was sound and it was a "nice" book, it was not really "new author" material.  But anyone can publish on Amazon (for free), so. . . five years later, here ya go.  And if you really just cannot justify spending money on it, keep it saved and I think Amazon will let me offer it for free after a bit (during certain promotional periods).

Ok, one more picture of my "super hero" children :)

Do you have a light?

Well, fortunately my patience knows no end.  I had THIS ENTIRE POST basically typed.  Was going to spell-check and call it good, when Miriam reached out her little paw (while nursing I might add) to tap the touch-pad.  She highlighted the whole post (easy to do as my touch-pad has a bit of an electric build-up right now) and before I knew it, I had typed over my past half hour of typing and linking.  Now, I am beginning again. . . thanks dear daughter. . .

I have often thought that the key to successful nursing is good lighting.  One of the main drawbacks to nursing (in my opinion) is feeling trapped or bored while nursing.  There is only so much baby contemplating to be done and then, you still love the child and all, but how long can I sit in this chair and stare at the wall?  So reading or knitting while nursing helps me stay calm and allows the baby to nurse as long as he or she desires - especially in the evenings or at night (assuming I do not bring baby back to my bed and that topic is another post in itself).

In order to feel really comfortable reading or knitting with baby I need good lighting.  Lighting that is bright enough to partake in these activities (both of which are bit light-intensive) but not so bright as to keep baby awake and staring at me.  In the perfect world (where money was not an option) I imagine I would have this "perfect lighting" installed in every room and could easily find it with the click of a nearby switch.  In my world, I have taken to trying several different lighting devices.  Here are my reviews so far.

1) The basic desk lamp.

My desk lamp does not look quite like that one linked above, but it is similar.  You get the idea.

Pros:
-Easy to turn on.
-Plugs in so no batteries to change.
-Easy to find (always in same place)

Cons:
-A bit too bright.
-Does not travel from room to room easily.
-Must be situated near plug-in.

2) The basic flashlight.

I did not buy the flashlight linked, but whatever flashlight was on sale at Home Depot, or possibly Wal-mart (cannot remember where now).  But I imagine any basic flashlight would be similar.

Pros:
-Easy to turn on.
-Moves easily from room to room.

Cons:
-Can be awkward to hold while reading or knitting.
-Frequently needs new batteries.
-Can be misplaced fairly easily.

3) The basic taplight.

I did not actually buy the taplight linked above.  I bought the "value" taplight that Wal-mart had  on sale.  But I imagine they would perform similarly.

Pros:
-Easy to turn on.
-Moves easily from room to room.

Cons:
-Too bright to use without rag over top, or smothered in blanket (probably not a good suggestion for fire safety).
-Breaks easily.

4) This fancy kid nightlight.

I saw this in one of those silly parenting magazines (that I no longer look at and put directly into recycling when they come) and it had good reviews, so when it showed up at our local Wal-mart, I immediately bought four of them.  Waste of money.  I tried to send them to bed with the kids with the timer on, but the kids found the buttons and shut the timer off and left the light just "on" so it was on all night (think lots of batteries wasted).  None of them lasted more than a week due to their inability to survive impact (being dropped).

Pros:
-Does not get hot.
-Not too bright.
-Has timer.
-Travels easy from room to room.

Cons:
-Buttons on bottom often difficult to find (except by children you wish would not find them).
-Not quite bright enough to read or knit.
-Easily broken (dropped once and it is done).

5) This lantern.

This is a LANTERN, not meant to be a little light.  I know.  It was an impulse buy at Christmas (almost a gift for someone else).  It works well as a lantern.

Pros:
-Easy to turn on.
-Travels easily from room to room.

Cons:
-A bit too bright on brightest setting and dimmer setting too dim to read or knit.

6) These mini-flashlights.

I originally bought these for my kiddos and my nieces and nephews, thinking to save a few for myself, but when the package arrived, I horded them all.  Terrible, I know.

Pros:
-Small, easy to hold while reading or knitting, easy to slip in pocket.
-Travel easily from room to room.

Cons:
-Cheap little lights (some broken upon receiving)
-Some can be temperamental (difficult to turn on - as said above, cheap little lights)
-Only the white ones are bright enough to read or knit by.
-Easy to lose or not find in the middle of the night.

There you have it.  As of now I am currently using either a mini-flashlight or my regular flashlight to read or knit.  Sometimes I just sit in the dark and think or pray, but the second I PLAN to do that, it becomes exceedingly dull.  I look forward to any thoughts or suggestions you or your neighbor or anyone else might have!!

Let there be light!!  (Genesis 1:3)

Sick again. . . Inside Mary's mind

I am not feeling well today.  As I was laying here, not enduring my discomfort very well, I first came to the conclusion that this MUST be the fault of my doctor.  Her diagnoses are simply too painful (pregnancy/childbirth, infections, the flu) so I simply need to find another doctor that will diagnose me with less painful things like. . . a small scratch or mild bump on the head.  I really think I could handle those better.  Any doctor recommendations for me?

My second thought as I lie here, composing the "letting go" e-mail to my doctor in my head, I realized that what I really needed was simply for Gordie to take me out back and "put me down."  Unfortunately, before I got far down that train of thinking, I realized that he simply does not make enough money to properly replace me - not with the schooling of the olders, the "daycare" for the youngers, and of course the lactating for the baby, not to mention the cooking and the cleaning and keeping of the finances and such.  He would need to make about as much as the president and I do not see him taking that job anytime soon. . .

Thus, I am apparently stuck with my plight.  Prayers for me (and so none of the other kiddos get sick) can be left with Jesus and Mary and Joseph and any other saint that comes to mind - heck, any other deity would be fine - I am not picky at this point!!!

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.  I do hope they made you laugh - I think they may do so for me. . . one day when laughing does not cause coughing - ouch!  If you are nearby friend, please avoid my house for a bit as I REALLY do not wish this on anyone!

Fear not I will keep you posted as things improve. .  possibly even if they do not! (consider yourself warned!!)

Sincerely,
Mary Elizabeth
(Romans 5:5)

Journal #7

Outside my window:

Sunny.  Probably upper 40s.  Rather warm for January 8, but I'm not complaining.

 

Clothing myself:

Franciscan University Lady Barons Hoodie. . . ahhh, I miss playing college basketball!!!  Jeans, wool socks, t-shirt underneath.

Around the house:

I moved Rebekah's desk back up to the study (where it originally parked when we got it from my Mom) after its brief visit to her bedroom downstairs.  "The Study" is now living its name as most of our "studying" is done there.  It also houses a lot of more educational toys and games.  It is very nice to be able to spread out and put one child at the kitchen table and another in the study.
 

The Baby:

When visiting Gordie's parents this weekend, they watched the baby (and all the kids) for us so we could have an evening and night without them.  That was nice, but my suspicions that our baby does not sleep well were confirmed. 

 

Side note: I always get up with the baby, but normally I barely let myself out of my sleepy stupor - not even to look at the clock (that would require finding glasses - time wasted I figure) - I simply get the baby and nurse her while falling back asleep.

 

Apparently the baby woke up every two hours while we were gone.  The first time she was INSULTED that she should be offered a bottle.  The second time she took it as though she had been bottle-fed all along.  (I knew she could do it.)  But Gordie's folks were none too excited about her frequent waking.  In her defense she had a little cough and snotty nose, plus her first tooth just broke that morning.

 

In other news, she has been saying "Ma, ma, ma" and referring to me.  She does the same for Gordie: "Da, da, da," with real purpose.  With the other kids I remember them saying the word Mom or Dad (or just Ma or Da) long before using the words to address us.  Miriam DEFINITELY is talking to us in particular - not just babbling these (although she does babble, too, I will note, but this is different).  And she has been doing this for about three weeks now.  I am most impressed!
 

The Kids:

While visiting Gordie's family we went to Mass at his hometown parish.  They were saying the Rosary when we came into the church.  Samuel and Rebekah both joined right in without being asked or prompted in any way.  Gordie was floored.  We do not usually pray the rosary before Mass at our regular church because we do not get there soon enough -hah.

I took Paul to the dentist today and he did great.  He is simply cuteness incarnate right now.  He comments on EVERYTHING and is so adorable about it!  He had his hygienist smiling from ear to ear.
 

In the Kitchen:

I am quite thankful for Christmas and I realize it is a time for celebrating, but I am sooooo ready for the all the sweets and treats to move on OUT of my kitchen. (and then perhaps for the extra 10lbs they put on my body to move off as well - grrr, I was doing so well before, too!!)  I'm back to basics again - sticking with what works.  I have taken to making my own bread (well, making the dough in the breadmaker and then baking it in the oven) and I prefer it hands down over anything store-bought.  And bread is a big deal to me as toast for breakfast is my favorite. I think I've eaten it every day for the past year at least (pending I was not sick - I probably skipped it on those days).

I'm still hoping to get Gordie more involved in the cooking.  It is difficult as he often gets off late (because he likes his job - not because he has to stay extra to make them happy), but Gordie is SUCH a GOOD cook, it seems shameful to not have him using his talent.  I think perhaps he needs more nagging more encouragement.
 

Crafting:

I am working on a scarf for my mom.  Yes, it was supposed to be for Christmas.  I am on the 5th repeat (of 18. . . /sigh).  On the bright side, I really enjoy it and am impressing myself being able to do the fancy cable pattern.
 

Learning:

I made up a graph of all the work I want each child to cover for the rest of the year.  I figure each time they complete a lesson (or page - or whatever I think constitutes a "chunk"), they color that box in on the graph.  I am a visual person, so this makes me happy and I hope it motivates them to "press on!"

 

 

 

 We just started "school" again today.  Rebekah is eagerly jumping into everything.  Samuel is grumbling and wanting to play with his toys.  Hopefully we can get "rolling" on a regular schedule this week so next week will be smoother.
 

Reading:

Christopher West just put out his new book, Fill These Hearts: God, Sex, and the Universal Longing, today.  I got it on Kindle and hope to give it a look or two if I can find time - perhaps while nursing the baby tonight.  I know, what a waste to buy a NEW book when I have five million VERY GOOD books on my shelf to read, but I like Chris West A LOT so I consider it a donation to a very good cause and even though this book probably says the same thing he says in his commentary on JP II's Theology of the Body (which I am also in the process of reading -haha) this book is shorter and perhaps he says it a different way.  And why do I feel I need to justify this purchase to  you anyhow?  :)
 

Entertainment:

Still on Warehouse 13.  It has gotten more action packed but remains humorous at some points and of course the characters interact well.  We tried watching some Eureka, but neither Gordie or I are much impressed with the half a dozen-or so  episodes we have seen so far.  I stumbled onto Downton Abbey on Amazon prime and found it mild but intriguing.  I survived the first season (usually putting it on while I fold clothes or when the hubby plays games).  Apparently the most recent season is even better as many of my friends are talking about it on facebook.  We shall see if I make it that far.
 

Bringing me joy:

*Snuggling the baby.

 

*Samuel telling me he would rather do school at home with me than go to the building.  (And yes, I told him I really wanted to know which he preferred - not that I would send him off to school purely on his opinion to go, but I do care what he thinks and am glad to know he would rather be home studying with the rest of us.)

*Walking my children to and from daily Mass. (Don't ask me why but this makes me so happy.  And they were pretty good today!!  Up until I had to drag Paul back to the pew after communion. /sigh)
 

Thinking about:

How I have trouble remembering what I was thinking about.  Seriously, does anyone else have this problem?  I will think a thought and not quite finish it, but suddenly it will be GONE.  Am I going crazy or just getting old?

Bible verses:

So you also, when you have done all that you were ordered to do say, "We are worthless slaves; we have done only what we ought to have done!"  (Luke 17:10)

 

Those who try to make their life secure will lose it, but those who lose their life will keep it.  (Luke 17:35)
 

Pictures to share:

The kids all loved the Away in the Manger cookies we finally got around to making. . . on the 10th day of Christmas maybe? 

Samuel

 

Paul and Rebekah

We had some "dress-up" fun at our New Years' Day lunch.